With the spate of suicides by young gays, the story of an anti-gay attack from New York, and the anti-gay tirade of a gubernatorial candidate, it seems appropriate that today is National Coming Out Day. But to be honest, I wish there were no such day.
There is an invisibility associated with being gay. It’s not like race or gender, traits that are fairly easy to discern by looking at a person. Despite the stereotypes, you can’t just “tell” if someone is gay. I guess that’s why it’s so easy for some to demonize gays: they fail to realize that the person standing next to them might be gay. Or maybe they do and just don’t care.
Unlike Joel MacDonald, I feel no need to write a “coming out” story. Those who know me understand that being gay is just one aspect of who I am. It does not define me, any more than being black defines me or being female defines me. Or being left of center. Or being a CPA. I am, like everyone else, the sum of all of those things, a point made by The Virginian-Pilot’s Roger Chelsey in this article.
I’ll never understand why, in the pluralistic society of ours, we’d rather spend time on the things that make us different instead of the things that we have in common.
So yes, I wish there was no such day, because I wish there was no need for such a day. But until there is, until we learn to embrace difference, it will exist.
To my young brothers and sisters out there: you are not alone.
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Part of the process of making equality a reality is getting more people elected who agree with the concept. The obvious starting point is getting more gays and lesbians elected at every level. One organization doing that is the Victory Fund.
VIVIAN J. PAIGE | All Politics is Local 
I agree with you, Vivian. The problem is that we don’t live in a country where everyone’s sexual proclivities are their own personal business (provided only consenting adults are involved and nobody gets hurt). That means people have to come out publicly (or worse be outed by a third party) to make a political point. Hopefully, one day we’ll move beyond this.
I don’t disagree that we haven’t gotten there yet. But I hold out hope that we will get there.
First, it’s McDonald, not MacDonald.
Second, my posting my coming out story isn’t indicative that being gay is all I am. As you said of yourself, it’s a part of who I am. It’s an important part, but not the whole.
Whether or not someone writes a coming out story, the important thing is that people are out and live honest lives. They need to be honest with themselves, and with others.
Over and over I hear that each generation become more accepting of LGBT peoples. It isn’t a coincidence that each generation of LGBT people are becoming more open about who they are. I believe the latter is the reason for the former, and that this is why it’s important for people to be out.
Futher, LGBT peoples are affected by laws which target their freedom. I think Harvey Milk was correct in encouraging people to come out so those who know them understand what’s at stake when they vote on measures like Proposition 8.
I too wish there wasn’t a point in coming out, and I hope for the day when there isn’t. The reality is that in this day you don’t have to come out as straight, but you do need to when you’re gay. For those who are, coming out is almost a rite of passage, that if not taken, prevents a person from living opening. For example, I knew that I couldn’t bring someone I was dating to a family dinner without laying the groundwork of coming out first. It was important for me that they knew, and had an opportunity to work through the emotions attached to that before moving on to the next step.
We live in a time where we’re preparing for that next step as a society. Eventually, being gay will be considered a norm, a possibility considered by every parent when they have a child, and when the day comes that John is dating David, there won’t be dissappointment and shock.
We’re not there yet, but as more people live open, honest, lives, I think we’ll get there one day.
Until then, I hope people will continue to come out, continue to be open about it, and find strength that they aren’t alone.
I corrected the spelling – sorry.
As for the rest, it sounds so preachy to me. With rare exceptions (I can only think of two, actually) I’ve never felt the need to come out – because I’ve never been in the closet. I’ve always thought that if I treat being gay the same as being straight, the rest of the world will, too.
You may not have thought that you couldn’t bring someone to dinner without preparing the family – I didn’t think that way at all. I just took them home. And that was a long time ago – long before you were even born.
So while I understand that some think coming out is a rite of passage, I just don’t think it is nor that it has to be. Living an honest life certainly doesn’t require it.
Thanks for the correction…happens often, but at least it’s not as bad as being called a McDonnell!
I guess we just have a difference of opinion on this one. Perhaps you were always openly gay. That’s a unique perspective from many. I wasn’t, so telling people I was gay was an important step, both for me, and them.
Of course…you could have just removed the “a” alltogether… 😉
I don’t consider my perspective unique. If I didn’t know others who felt the same, I might. But I do and, therefore, I don’t.
Somehow, I can’t imagine that in being out for less than 2 years, you’ve got the lock on the perspective. It’s a big world, Joel. And a lot of us have been in it a long, long time.
As for changing the spelling – I could have done that but then your comment wouldn’t have made any sense 😉
Point taken.
Vivian I guess your sentiment is akin to people wanting a “colorblind” society where we see not see race, but character and other attributes which makes us who we are today.
Admirable ideas, but I would prefer that society see who I am, that includes my color and my sexual preference. Perhaps seeing who I am will enable people to be educated and perhaps arrest some of the ignorance and stereotyping which fill the minds of so many people. My sexuality is just one component of who I am, as you pointed out.
The issue of a colorblind society is tricky. I get the arguments for and against, and have to admit I’m on the fence on that one.
I want people to see the whole, and not just the parts.
Just a brief note to those who think they can use this thread for gay-bashing: forget it. (And you know who you are.)
“I would prefer that society see who I am, that includes my color and my sexual preference.”
That may be who you are, but the real issue with homosexuality — and many Bible-thumpers get this wrong, too — is that the Bible says that homosexual ACTS are sins, not that BEING a homosexual is a sin.
That is where the sticking point comes with gay marriage — that it puts government sanction on what most people consider a sin, and that their tax money goes to support it. I think if, as Steve said, “everyone’s sexual proclivities [were] their own personal business,” and the government had no business saying who you could or could not marry, and stayed out of it completely, then there would be no problem.
Simply put, if there were no marriage laws, there would be no issue with gay marriage.
Kinda agree with Warren. The government has no business in marriage or in your bedroom.
Marriage should be a matter between the individuals and their church, should they have one. Government can recognize civil contracts between parties. To say that one is ineligible to enter into a contract simply due to sexual preference, clearly is unconstituional.
The neat thing about people having a different level of focus on their sexuality, color, being from a particular region, being of a culture, is that they get to decide how to express it. We each decide how much it is a part of our public life. How boring would it be if everyone towed the line exactly to sterotype. Even the onlooker will have a different perception. I could care less if someone is of Irish origin, but somebody from Ireland could feel a kinship of sorts to that person and feel their homeland in that way. Good for them.
We’re definitely making progress. The Supreme Court has even put a huge dent in the sick practice that some conservatives have of “felonizing” entire groups of people.
Still a ways to go on that in some regard.
With a filibuster proof majority, I am a bit perplexed as to why “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” couldn’t have been repealed. Also, you mean they couldn’t have changed the Defense of Marriage Act to something Constitutional like making other states recognize legitimate contracts like they do with hetrosexual marriage licenses? Call it a civil union if you must. Kinda surprised the Democrats haven’t done anything on this. Kinda makes me wonder.
“Come out” or not? Shouldn’t it be up to the individual to decide? Regardless of what the conditions are? Better to be free and open with it should that be your wish. Better that you can also choose privacy over some implied “obligation” to a movement should you wish it so. In that regard, you the individual, are your own sovereign.
I didn’t know you were gay and now that I do, I don’t care one bit 🙂
But I’m also sad to say that I understand your article 100%.